The Finale: Glasgow - Dubai

Probably one of the Sports Tonight plays of the day was choosing to visit Glasgow instead of London.

We had both been to London before and we thought it’d be better to hit up the major Scottish city instead. I mean, it made sense, i had never been to Glasgow before but Tony had, and I didnt know what to expect. After a couple nights there, I loved the place and was one of my favourite spots on the trip, especially since we caught up with that prick Bryan and his lovely missus.

first things first, on our last day in New York, we went to Little Italy in Manhattan again for lunch and did some last minute gift shopping. there was excitement in the air as we were going to the ice hockey at madison square garden that night to watch the new york rangers play ottawa - a team from canada eh.

we hit trouble as the tickets we purchased from stubhub didnt scan right, so were barred from entering. after a few frantic steps to a phone booth and thanks to starbucks free wifi, we tracked down stubhubs number in NYC to help us out. they were great and obviously this has happened before to people. so we had to hop on the subway to get to their offices near times square and pick up new tickets. the game had just started so it was pretty full on in trying to get there and back.

stubhub were awesome - in fact - more than awesome in the way they handled the situation, they refunded our original tickets and gave us two new free tickets instead, which were dead centre and probably the best in the house!!!! we were thrilled of course and we made it back with seven minutes left in the first period. no one had scored which was good so we didnt miss out on anything. it was a great game despite it being 1-1 after regulation but to witness the excitement of a shootout was pretty cool, even tho the rangers ended up losing. at least we saw the home side score cos the sirens go off and the crowd chants, its really different to basketball obviously. u gotta check out a hockey game when ur in america, srsly

afterwards, we headed to hard rock cafe for some more burger goodness while reflecting on our american leg of the trip. it was a great way to end the USA and new york before flying out to london the next morning.

the british airways flight was pretty good as it was empty and their entertainment options were good, i indulged in old favourites like stand by me and the big lebowski, and it was no more than a 7-hour flight. man london is close to everything.

we had a private car pick us up from heathrow to take us to our hotel in gatwick, where we were flying to glasgow from. we were excited, we were gonna see bryan, we’re not gay or anything but we were looking forward to seeing bryan again, especially trov as he couldnt wait to team up with bryan and give me shit for the next 62 hours.

we arrived in glasgow after only an hour flight and we thought we’d get soem shut eye before bryan arrived. he all of a sudden became an obsession as we both dreamed about him - on a side note ive had some really fucked up dreams on this trip as tony can attest to - tony dreamed that bryan never showed up while i dreamt that bryan did show up but wasnt at all chuffed about seeing us - i had a similar dream in dubai later on where i was shot and wounded in new york, then after waking up from a 42-day coma no one, including family, was excited to see me!

anyhooo, after a good sleep. bryan arrived at the hotel and we were bubbling with excitement, then we roamed the streets of glasgow, going from pub to pub, catching the end of the england-wales game somewhere before freshening up back at the hotel.

then it was more bar hopping before settling down in these two clubs downtown, i was on my way, we all were i think, i ended up on the ground one time, not a single skerrick of violence anywhere and i have to say, from hotels, to cafes to pubs to shops, we didnt hear a single piece of shit music while we were in glasgow, it was either good modern stuff or some classic from years gone by - and no alexis jordan thank st stephen!!!!!!!!…we were boozing for ages and our last stop was a place called o2abc on the main drag, sauciehall street, surprisingly we were still going strong and by closing time we were buzzin….when ive had a few i tend to hallucinate with my thoughts and stay silent, i just think about shit, like positive stuff and all that, so when im quiet after a few theres nothing wrong, im off with the fairies so to speak but still in touch with reality…one disappointing aspect is i failed to at LEAST get a handy in a dark alleyway from a broad during our glasgow exploits, but i guess that was still a bit too much to ask from the good man upstairs, oh well

morning comes and last night was soo beer-larious and a greasy spoon cafeteria with plenty of scrambled eggs and plenty of fried tomato was on the cards, but we slept, slept for a while actually, i equalled my record in munich and blew chunks three times, well the first time was just black - we drank quite a bit from early afternoon and didnt stop - the second and third times seemed to be oeseophagal lining, i hope ur enjoying ur lunch while reading this

bryan came knocking and i said i needed another hour or two cos i was paying for my sins, so trov went with bryan and gen while i slumbered…an hour an a bit later i finally woke and showered, then met the crew at jamie olivers italian restuarant in george square which is downtown, no wine for me, but the pasta i had was divine….seriously the food in glasgow is great and it easily exceeded my expectations.

i was shaking a little at the start but after our culinary experience it was time to do a spot of shopping, glasgow is pretty cool for its clothes shopping, highly recommended, we went to liam gallagher’s clothing label called pretty green and they had a lot of quality shit there, and as expected, a rockin soundtrack instore with the rolling stones, we all made purchases and its not even in australia yet, so while everyone is wearing ellwood and all that shit, we have clobber that’s different and makes us stand out at least from all the sheep that has overrun perth yet they still manage to attract the tail….

ahem right, so yeh we’re perusing the stores in and around glasgow and walking around, it was a nice sunday afternoon, before settling down in this beer hall place where they served 2-for-1 pizzas, i had a few brews but we were all stuffed from the big one the night before, some good banter and good oneliners from bryan and sadly we had to part ways, bryan and gen both had to work tomorrow but we promised to catch up with bryan for lunch.

we woke up at like 2.30am on monday morning and didnt get back to sleep, so 6am we headed out for a feed, sadly glenn’s, i mean gregg’s werent open yet but when they did, we downed a sausage roll for 60 PENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and that was our entree before we found somewhere more substantial, that was near the main train station so we saw all the scottish fans come back from london where the scotland brazil game was being played…walking around glasgow in the early morning and the streets are quiet was something to behold, it was bloody cold as well, but it was nice to do some walking just as the sun was coming, yes i get sentimental when it comes to these kinds of experiences, so what wanna fight about it??????

the glasgow tour bus gets a big fat tick from us….took us to all the main sights in and around the city, including majestic glasgow university and was a really good investment at 11 quid…we got back to george square and we talk the opportunity to have a sleep on a park bench in george square after some people watching, the sun was shining on us so it was a great warm snooze before catching up with bryan for lunch, i insisted on this chinese buffet place, which was ok, not the best, but it was funny to see these two massive bastards walk in and the chef having a heart attack as they made their way to pillage, rape and violate the poor and luckless bain marie with all the chinese fare in it.

bryan needed to get back to work, so we bode - or is it bade??? - farewell and we headed back to our hotel to wait for our plane…

we quickly headed out once more to the celtic team supporters shop and we each bought a magnet and a celtic bag, all for five pounds. i felt happy knowing that my five quid purchase would be reinvested back into the club. hopefully it will be the five pounds that helps secure a big name in the off-season. after walking out the shop we could sense rob, bryan, chris, gary and even lorraine nodding and smiling in appreciation, thanking us for supporting their beloved team by purchasing a fridge magnet and bag.

we went back to our hotel, and it was an interesting stint waiting at our hotel as we saw a ridiculously fit and in shape, wait for it TRANSVESTITE, marauding around the place, at first i saw him/her from behind and i exclaimed to trov that i was impressed, to which he replied “chavana musk” which means, “he’s a guy”, i just had a miriam moment, anyone remember miriam???? from the big brother ads, which left the male population in a real pickle when asked the question if they thought miriam was hot, and they had no idea what or how to answer… sure u do?

so yeah, it was just bizarre, at a small hotel in glasgow, this, especially after we had another light snooze, it really increased our disorientation tenfold…and felt like something out of an eat carpet episode

and with that, we hopped in a cab to the airport and back to london, it was an interesting wait at glasgow airport as trov and i discussed a few hypotheticals a tad loudly and openly but it was a good laugh and helped pass the time….soon we were back at london gatwick…rise and shine the next morning we were flying out to dubai, our last stop.

emirates are a dream to fly with and they bombard you with good food u feel like a cow on an arabic ship docked in fremantle waiting to be slaughtered…they fatten u up big time, food after food, drink after drink, emirates service is second to none.

we got to dubai and had a drink on the rooftop bar overlooking the dubai cbd before dinner in the hotel. a good rest was needed before our sightseeing the next day

yes we did a lot of resting and sleeping in these past few days but hey, we still accomplished what we needed to do.

the following day we hopped on the dubai big bus tour which is a hop on hop off arrangement. a great choice and another recommendation from us if stopping over in dubai for just a couple of nights.

it took us everywhere, through the older and more traditional city area and down the coast to where the seven star burj and the opulent atlantis resort can be found, it was a great tour and for a really good price. i felt like andrew daddo on assignment for the great outdoors while sat on the op deck of the bus taking in all the views and sights of dubai. its a great place to visit and like i said, its not fully westernised, it still has its traditional souks (markets) and abras (boats) that take u across the dubai creek….the shopping centres are just off the planet and you visit them when you take the beach route of the bus. a week in dubai would be a really good holiday…aside from getting a handy in a dark alleyway behind a club/pub in glasgow, staying just one night in the seven star burj hotel (u know the one where federer played on the helipad at the top) would be another thing to cross off jsap’s bucketlist - as well as flying business class on emirates

we were stuffed after our big day out in and around dubai and by 5.30pm/6pm we crashed and slept, and slept, and slept, and had the traditional f***ked up dream to go along with it, trov was feeling a tad sick so checking out the nightclub at the crowne plaza was off the agenda, and probably for the best as we were both tired, i woke up at 3.30am the next day while tony slept for a few more hours, before we packed our shit for our last flight, home to perth.

just quickly browsing the paper it was funny to find out that a big football match in the UAE (that’s united arab emirates for all u ‘tards out there) is FREE for spectators, and fans of the abu dhabi club have a chance to win a ferrari 458 for entering this competition through the local sports newspaper. A FERRARI 458!!!!!! man UAE rocks. take note west coast eagles when u next have your annual raffle for a chance to win a nissan pathfinder!!!

at dubai airport its chaos, i was bit pissed off cos we had to set foot on the tarmac and catch a bus to our plane rather than go down the tunnel/walkway, i felt like i was in adelaide airport ffs, not dubai, and the bus ride to our plane was pretty long, but i built a bridge and got over that and settled in for the 11-hour trip home with the countless hours of entertainment available on your personal television.

we were one row behind the curtain that separates us from business class…so close yet so far i muttered tony, to which he replied “ahhh shut the f**k up u bestia” along with other unprintable sicilian words, before we slept and ate and ate and slept for the duration of our flight.

we were home, touch down in perth, i expected 5000 people waiting to greet us but it was just mum in the front excited to see me, ahhhh good ol mumsie. trov and i just gave each other a nod and we went our separate ways, through separate doors, it was so poignant, like an ending to an epic movie, NO I WONT STOP BEING MELODRAMATIC OKAY IM ON A ROLL HERE, but we’re both going to the footy on saturday to watch our beloved east perth play in the champions league on what will be a glorious staurday afternoon at subi oval with the one and only bradley gordon downie, who will no doubt have 1465 questions about our trip while bringing us up to speed on west coast’s injury list and how many laps daniel kerr did at training this week and what mark nicoski had for lunch when he saw him at pizza bella roma while he was getting his coffee at fiorentinas…

and u know what, we cant wait.

thanks all for tuning in…its been a blast, we had fun, so many laughs, so many deep and meaningfuls spanning a variety of topics and so many memories, and the best thing of all: WE DID IT RIGHT

love

Jsap and Tony xx

P.S u can check our facebook pages over the coming weeks for a selection of photos from our global voyage.

New York, New York

Man it’s so frickin cold in the Big Apple.

after our three-night adventure in Sin City, we headed back to LA for a night’s kip at a hotel near LAX Airport. then we were up early the next morning for our qantas flight to new york.

we have made it our goal to try and get business class seats on one of our remaining flights and we enquired about this at the qantas check in desk. we were happy to pay a tad extra for the experience but there were no seats available. luckily we scored emergency row seats.

good ol qantas…sure they may have flight attendants who were probably running around when the wright brothers built the first aircraft all those years ago (read: they are all old ducks, the men and women) but at least you get free food and alcohol. the bottle of red went down a treat and kept me warm for the coast-to-coast flight.

we arrived at JFK airport on saturday afternoon and once we left the terminal to wait for our private car (better value than a cab believe it or not) we knew what we would be in for weather-wise for the next six nights. it was bloody freezing.

our car finally arrived and it was a pleasant trip not having to worry about the meter ticking over when we were stuck in traffic, plus it was good to do it in style…thats what weve been about this trip, doin it right and doin it in style.

we meandered our way through queens and onto the queensboro bridge to get into the hectic streets of manhattan. it was chaos on the roads, probably cos it was a saturday night. during our trip in the lincoln it was nice to see the afternoon sun in the distance slowly making way for the cool night sky.

so you all know what we think of hostel dorms right??? ok. so in ft lauderdale we changed our accom to stay in a hotel and the location of the edison is right on the doorstep of times square…cannot complain about that, the rooms are basic but we’re hardly in our rooms, plus its nice to have ur own bathroom rather than waiting for some babbo/moron to get out if ur staying in a hostel six-person dorm…

we took in the bright neon lights of times square before chowing down at a , u guessed it, irish pub.

took ages for yours truly to get to sleep cos of the three-hour time difference but eventually we slumbered before awaking to go to another irish pub for the celtic-rangers league cup final.

the location of this pub is right near the empire state building, so it was good to watch football at 11am in the morning. celtic sadly lost 2-1, before we decided to take in the empire state building. if inter lost maybe i would have jumped off the 82nd floor but the view from it is just breathtaking…a must for anyone

more walking around after that …. i think

ummmm….

yeh thats right, we walked up to central park to check out strawberry fields and john lennon’s apartment block adjacent to it…a bit of people watching was what the doctor ordered before finding this nice italian restaurant for a quality feed and to warm us up. we saw two other italian places on seventh or avenue but we refused to enter as they boasted the fact that they served NORTHERN ITALIAN cuisine….as loyal southerners we gave them the finger and moved on, preferring to settle at a neutral venue.

monday morning we will never forget, it will forever be remembered as the day we almost froze to death on liberty island.

we slept in a bit and headed down to battery park for our ferry to see the statue of liberty and ellis island…what a day to do it, the elements were in full swing and we thought we were going to die…it was windy, rainy and just bloody cold, the wind chill almost made u cry, it was probably colder than new years eve in times square in 2001 when i was there…seriously, this was cold. that aside it was great to see the statue up close and personal while the ellis island museum was a wonderful experience also…perhaps the fremantle passenger terminal could look at doing something similar.

after we returned to manhattan, it was time for a good feed in little italy and a walk around mulberry street, not the mulberry bush!!!!! quality food once again, top marks, and we were off, later we hit up the pig and whistle just off times square - we were at the pig and whistle the night before, but at a different location, and where i belted out four tunes after several pints of guinness.

this venture to the pig and whistle was a laugh as i saw this guy i knew from manjimup…..f****ing insane, couldnt believe it…a guy i hadnt seen in years and we saw him at this pub in new york city!!!! he played for tigers, we reminisced over old times and had a good chat and a few drinks…told him i missed the surrounds of manji, which is 100 per cent true…of course i had to sing, so INXS’s mystify got a run…im really sorry mr hutchence, really sorry!

its so easy to get to sleep when u have had a few drinks…i give u the tip

tuesday it was off to the bronx to see yankee stadium and to take in arthur avenue, which is little italy in the bronx….of course we arrive at the billion dollar stadium only to find out the tours dont start till april 8…so we licked our wounds and made our way to arthur street for some fine cuisine…the parmigianas and pasta were literally inhaled as we were hungry, before we walked it off with a stroll around the neighbourhood…of course there was a lot of talking shit along the way

on our way to the bronx we stopped past the famous restaurant in seinfeld where jerry and the gang “would eat”. i say this cos they only used the exterior of the restaurant in the show while the inside was a set inside a studio…that was a good laugh

tuesday night the meatpacking district on the water was on the cards, a juicy new york steak was what the doctor ordered and a bottle of wine went down a treat….new york has been all about eating and drinking…u gotta stay warm somehow…while the breads that have been served to us prior to our meals have been SECOND TO NONE

afterwards, we went to another karaoke bar called smith’s near times square and this time come on eileen got a run….there were quite a few good singers that night which was good to see/hear.

another long sleep in on wednesday before we headed to ground zero and then brooklyn. on the agenda was the italian neighbourhood known as bensonhurst. the pastas were as usual, terrific, and we set off down christopher columbus road for a stroll, shame it was drizzling but we were becoming used to it by now…we stopped inside this record shop and had a good chat with a lady behind the counter…she was telling us the chinese were slowly taking over when it used to be all italian…we could just imagine chichi shaking his head in disgust upon hearing this.

after we headed back to manhattan. God bless the NYC subway system, so easy, and did some shopping, before hitting up madison square garden for the magic and knicks game…it was a good game and was pretty close before the magic finished the stronger and won 111-99. the knicks fans started booing and of course some left before the final buzzer…it was good to end the magic tour with four wins and two losses. we trekked out to chinatown for a quick feed and then returned home, the hangover was on tv which was good, but i still didnt get to sleep till about 3am. trov slept fine as usual! i think i needed guinness to knock me out

today, well we’re doing a bit of housekeeping on the net while writing this blog. shopping is on the cards as well as lunch of course. tonight we’re back at the garden to watch some ice hockey. its new york v ottawa. this time and finally we will be going for a home team. its been a while haha

tomorrow morning (friday) we’re up early for our ride to JFK airport - again in a nice lincoln sedan - to catch our flight to london…once again we will be pressing for an upgrade…this has become a much bigger priority than getting laid we give you the tip

change of plans…once we get to london, we’re not staying there, instead we’re heading to glasgow for three days to hang out with our prick of a friend bryan and his lovely missus. cant wait to see the celtic bastard and down a few pints with him…trov is really looking forward to it so he can join forces with bryan and give me shit for three days in an endless barrage of verbal attacks. he’s been waiting for this day and he often mutters “glasgow glasgow glasgow” when i say something stupid.

from glasgow we head back to london for our plane to dubai.

thanks for tuning in - that is if you are still tuning in after all these rants!

love

Jsap and Tony xx 

LA (part III) and Las Vegas

Where are we: just off Times Square in Manhattan, which is in New York City!

We got pretty smashed on our last day in San Francisco before we flew out to Los Angeles once again. Well I did anyway. Tony seemed alright. I could feel it for hours afterwards and my head was spinning.

We went to this Irish pub after we checked out of our nice hostel. Gotta love private rooms!! St Pats Day was already in full swing so we decided to join in the fun and the festivities. We ordered some quality Irish tucker to go with our half a dozen guinesses each and it was a great day out and a superb end to our time in this fantastic city.

Next stop LA. We arrived at LAX in the evening and decided to take the airport shuttle…BAD BAD CHOICE

it took f***ing ages as it had to stop everywhere all over LA for these people. i swear one time we ended up in south central LA where we thought we were gonna get mugged and shit…but it took so long, i was a tad tired, i had a headache and plus we had a reservation at this quality italian restuarant called madeos where the celebs go. its in beverly hills

finally our painful shuttle got us to our motel on sunset boulevard. seriously this shuttle bus, it was like it was taking us in circles through the tora bora mountains to meet osama bin laden at his secret location. it made us disorientated and we didnt know where the hell we were in relation to anything.

anyhoo we hopped in a cab over to beverly hills and dined at madeos. our food was superb as usual. tony and i dont think we have eaten a shit meal at a restaurant bar or pub since we have been in these united states. the lobster spaghetti i had was second to none, but i was struggling to chug down the good bottle of red tony ordered as a result of our last day tomfoolery in san fran.

no celebs, tho there was one that caught the attention of the paparazzi. when i saw her leaving i knew she was someone famous but i just couldnt put my finger on who it was exactly.

next day we caught the subway to universal studios. a great day out and we brought the FRONT OF LINE ACCESS ticket. BRILLIANT and a very clever tactic. tony found this out when he was booking the tickets.

We have our own line for all of the rides, we go straight to the front and hop right on the attraction while the tight ass plebs continue to wait in the line. universal was really good and we conquered it in no time. the jurassic park ride, the king kong 360 experience and the mummy rollercoaster were all treats, while the studio tour was also a good laugh. we toured some of the sets of various movies (war of the worlds, three amigos just to name a few) and saw countless props. We also went through wisteria lane, the desperate housewives street. sadly they werent filming but the tour carriages we were travelling on still had mops for all the women on board. (no i wont be explaining this further, lets just say everyone knows chicks love desperate housewives as much as they do twilight)

after our fun day out and a big day of walking we headed back on the train to hollywood. we wanted some fried fare and a laugh so we went to hooters in downtown hollywood…im surprised by all the families that were in there eating, didnt know it was so family friendly…the food was alright and the stein-like glasses of beer were going down a treat. the hooters waitress was so friendly i think she was keen on me HHAHAHAHAHHAHA i know i know theyre always friendly to people to get good tips i was just playin ya. but yeah, it was and will be the only hooters we will visit here.

monday and our second last day in LA was basketball day. the big one between the magic and lakers. we wasted no time and decided to get to staples center asap for something to eat at the espn bar, soak up the atmosphere in the lead-up to the game and get some pics. we met brandon bass from the orlando magic during our relaxing stroll around the staples center.

game night, after a good first half we died in the ass in the second and got our asses kicked. the seat i purchased for a hefty price was well worth it and the guy i was sitting next to informed me it was the best seat in the house that a non-season ticket holder of the lakers could buy on the internet. i felt special. trov also spent a bit and he was just a few rows back.

i was right behind jack nicholson i could almost pat him on the head. i asked for his autograph when he walked to his seat but he didnt acknowledge me. i knew that would happen but i thought id try anyway. he does sign for people but when hes in the arena he just wants to watch the game which is fair enough.

after the lakers violated our innocence and showed the magic that they were well off the pace in terms of competing with the league’s best teams, we headed to the train for our ride home to our hotel. while we were waiting this diehard lakers fan dressed in the lakers colours (who i met earlier in the day) respected the fact i was still around in my magic colours so he pulled out the program from the magic-lakers game he went to in orlando last year (which we won) and gave it to me. i appreciated the love (and sympathy!)

next day, early shuttle ride (shuttles to the airport are better than ones from the airport) to LAX for our short flight to vegas.

There was an upgrade available to first class. even tho it was an hour flight, it didnt cost much anyways considering u have to pay for checked baggage on domestic flights. so we paid the extra $20 for the upgrade and enjoyed every moment of our large seats and GLASSES of orange juice. not plastic. glasses. REAL BICHIERI as tony gushed next to me!

VEgas….hmmm, well, ummm. where do i begin and end. the bellagio hotel is simply awesome and well worth staying there. its a beautiful hotel and located smack bang in the middle of the strip.

we arrived on tuesday and after settling into our room we went to the sports bar downstairs to watch inter’s epic champions league win over bayern munich! mate the casino and poker players wouldnt have heard a louder roar when pandev scored the winner in the dying seconds….after that, the buffet

the buffet, wow, for $19.95 each. it had everything. READ… EVERYTHING. thats vegas for you…it fulfils all your desires and fantasies.

a quick kip and we thought we’d walk around the strip and check out the hotels. in the evning we started out at jimmy buffetts margaritaville, and the carnage officially began. so much for a quiet night

we ended up at a place called rockhouse, a nightclub type place with dozens of tvs showing sport and a hanging tyre for the female waitstaff to ride on during the night. trov and i thought this would be a great addition to perth. it had everything, and wasnt too fancy shmancy. i got in with shorts for goodness sakes!

yeh…it was great…a few laughs and a few tales, no need to get into the details. tho i did spew in an alleyway after i mistakenly ordered scotch and coke instead of whiskey and coke. trov was ready to glass me for ordering this shit. i thought it couldnt be that bad so i took a swig…God, something hit me, it sent me over the edge and out i went into a back alley to cough it up.

early night turned into a 2am laugh

next morning was a painful early rise for our helicopter ride into the grand canyon. its the best way to see this wonderful landmark, forget screwing around on the bus for the whole day in getting there and back. what a waste. take a chopper and its quite affordable. i mean geez im unemployed FFS, if I can do it, YOU CAN TO…our chopper captain was a funny bloke and we had a few english people on our ride. one of them was this czech girl who moved to england. she was with her english partner (lucky guy) but she had the most rockin tits ever! fake, but they were awesome, great to look at when u got tired of looking at the endless desert and depleted waterways from high in the air.

our chopper ride finished with a glide over the vegas strip and we were back at the bellagio by 1pm…in and out, quick and easy

a good sleep was followed by another walk around. i began collecting the stripper and prostitute cards the mexicans hand out on the streets. i think i got the whole set, i got a few doubles so i look forward to swapping with my friends when i get back to complete my album. the card worth the most was the tania and sveta double for $150 an hour, apparently that card/deal is quite rare in these parts as they travel to and from eastern europe often.

after some splendid advice from our hotel concierge (man we f**ing lived it up in this place WE GIVE YOU THE TIP) we dined at sirio’s which is in the aria hotel complex. great italian tucker and at a good price. and from there we took a car to the encore hotel to get into the surrender nightclub. we made a reservation but they couldnt fulfil it cos it was just packed. they said we could only get a table if we bought $1500 worth of vodka. we told them to go forth and multiply (no not really) and moved on, and decided we’d do the bank instead the next night, which is the club at the bellagio. after getting back from surrender we just had a few drinks at one of the lounge bars at our hotel and pondered tomorrow night at the bank.

dinner at this awesome japanese place at the bellagio (great concierge choice again) was followed by our visit to the bank nightclub. we had a table and ridiculously hot hostess called eva. she was lithuanian..enough said, if she offered one of us more than quality table service, and for a price, i would have pounced. if i didnt, it would have been akin to slapping God in the face while St Peter would have kicked the living shit out of me when i ma that inevitable journey upwards.

not many bottle groupies around us at the bank, which was fine, it was a great club and we had security around us as usual in a roped off area. even when we went to the toilet, a security gaurd would escort us through the crowd to the toilet and wait for us outside before escorting us back to our table. as leo roughly says in titanic, “i felt like the KING of the f***ING WORLD”

u pay for that and it was well worth it, by 4am we were done, the dancefloor was empty and they were shutting up at 4.30am anyways. a great end to vegas for us and capping off a busy day after our guinness-consuming shenanigans at the New York New York Hotel irish pub (nine brothers) to commemorate st paddys day, followed by a boozy walk up the strip to caesars palace and then back to our hotel to get ready for japanese and then the bank.

i hated vegas last time i went three years ago, but we did it 100 per cent right this time, we did it the way ur supposed to do vegas, we ruled.

FYI: I lost $100 in an hour on the roulette and casino war tables while tony won $300 or so. hence why i never gamble

Question: WHo won the cockburn by-election? Did Sergio Sussa win it?

For Downie: Who played good for Royal in our BRILLIANT WIN over swans?

happy birthday Nat!

and new york is bloody cold by the way

love

JSap and Tony x

San Francisco

Where: Downtown San Francisco
Time: 9.43am local time, Saturday
Sponsored by: Jack in a Box

What a city! What a town! What a place!

Weather is pretty cold and it did drizzle some days, but all you have to do is rug up and you stay warm. Plus a lot of walking helps your cause as well. Tony and I agree that it’s better to travel when its cold rather than hot.

Where do we begin. The food here by the way is just orgasmic, at least our taste buds were being looked after properly.

anyhoo movingggg on. after our fart-ravaged flight from ft lauderdale to phoenix we finally arrived in san francisco late on monday night. we took public transport from the airport to downtown (HINT HINT PERTH) and we checked into our room.

USA Hostels here in San Fran is, we have to say, one of the best hostels weve ever stayed in. It looks like it has been recently refurbished and it deserves its award for being one of the best hostels in the world.

we like our private rooms and we had one here in san fran which was a big relief. last thing u want after a cross country flight is to rock into your room late at night, some dickhead is asleep and u have to tippy toe around the place while unpacking your shit and having a quick and somehow quiet shower to freshen up. that aint travelling. whats the point, u dont need these bullshit pain in the ass acid attacks while on holiday, there are other more important stresses to deal with.

Lets just say after our miami episode, we vowed never to do dorms again. as a result, were staying in a motel on sunset boulevard at our next stop in LA instead of in a six-bed dorm, and in new york we decided to upgrade to a reasonably priced hotel rather than stay in a dorm. i mean, seriously, we’re in NYC for six nights, we dont want some brazilian breaking our balls all the time etc etc

nice room, lot of space, tight bathroom but we had cable tv and ipod dock. pity we couldnt open the windows.

our first morning. it was very brisk and cool. lot different to florida obviously. and the walking began. we covered so many miles that first day it was ridiculous.

A trip to AT&T Park was first on the agenda and we did a tour. The Park is home to MLB’s world series champs the San Francisco Giants and it is one of the most stunning sporting venues - let along ballparks - that ive ever visited. it sits on the edge of the water and has spectacular views across the bay area. the big coca cola bottle next to the scoreboard - which has four slides inside it for the kids - was another attraction.

it holds about 42,000 and has shitloads of amenities and food stands, which would make it a great day out at the baseball. tour was very interesting and u learned a lot about the history of the club and the origins of this modern day ballpark. a must for any sports fan who visits this glorious city.

A quick purchase in the team shop of course was followed by a nice long walk up the embarcadero which is popular with joggers and walkers. its quite a hike to pier 39 and fisherman’s wharf but it was great to get the blood flowing. a lot of shit was spoken along the way which made the trip go faster but luckily there was no rain. just overcast skies like u see in the champions league. A stroll thru pier 39 almost proved very costly when the shrewd and friendly salesman at this memorabilia shop tried to sell us this signed pulp fiction and beatles memorabilia. he was very persuasive but i remembered my cash flow problems back home (i dont have a job remember) and told him id get back to him. we never returned, which was for the best i think.

delightful lunch at fisherman’s wharf, a nice cream seafood pasta with a plate of salad. weve had a lot of salad since weve been in san fran which is good, all the more better cos its included in the price of the main meal, which is already cheap. SO EVERYONE WINS, we win, and the mums win cos we’re eating …. salads.

we made our way down little italy with a brief stop at the san francisco italian club, they hadnt heard of francesco tornatore which was a shame but the clubrooms were second to none and in a great location. of course, italian football was on the box.

we stumbled upon this irish pub called o’reillys, i remembered it from three years ago, between little italy and chinatown and a few guinnesses were consumed to continue our training for st pats day. theres something about irish pubs in america which make them so accommodating and relaxed and friendly, unlike the ones back home which are packed with drunk irish backpackers wearing those lame cliched shitty gaelic football tops. they had football on so after watching roma crash out of the champions league, they showed highlights from a brilliant arsenal-leicester game back in ‘97, what a game, it finished 3-3 and even tho it was more than 10 years ago, tony and I watched on like it was a live game it was that thrilling.

Chinatown comes after little italy when heading back into the city and it was packed to the pat rafters. it was late afternoon so all the chinese were rushing about trying to get bargains on all the produce from the desperate sellers before doors closed. there were so many small elderly chinese people i just wanted to pick one of them up and hug them. i dont know why.

we were stuffed after our day of walking so we trotted down the street to this thai restaurant. two thumbs up even tho we were the only ones in there.

we havent had a shit meal since weve been in the US - especially in San Fran - which has been great. and the prices are second to none.

San Fran has been off the hook for food, whether its thai, italian, chinese, indian, u just possibly cant go wrong.

Wednesday, we headed back to o’reillys for tottenham and milan in the champions league, and luckily we were in an irish pub cos tony discovered it was ash wednesday, which threw our culinary plans into disarray cos u cant eat meat. We drank a lot of guinness to commemorate the day and saunted to little italy where we had these superb NON-meat pizzas. the margherita i had won this place called Tony’s the World pizza Cup back in 2007.

A lot of walking. Be prepared to walk a lot in San Fran. Its a great way to explore the city and bloody good exercise as well. Luckily we did Jacobs Ladder every second day back home.

Thursday, was as Murray Walker used to say, Its GO GO GO. First we did Dylan’s Bus Tour which is a MUST for any visitor to SF. Dylan is a local and has been doing these tours for ages. He knows everything. Of course we had to have the customary ballbreakers spanning all ages on our tour but we were able to survive and enjoy the sights.

It was a great tour because he takes you to places that u cant access on foot. We went past City Hall and through the Mission district - which is home to city’s quality pubs and clubs - and then thru Castro - the gay area - before marvelling at the view from Twin Peaks. No we didn’t find Laura Palmer dead and wrapped in plastic. Brilliant views of the city indeed before the fog set in later on which made it impossible to take pictures of the Golden Gate Bridge from the usual vantage point. Haight Ashbury is the hippy area and this was where we had a terrific panini role. It drizzled constantly during the tour which was a shame but what can u do.

We then made our way to the Seven Sisters, which are the houses u see in the opening credits of Full House. I was excited, before we failed to find a girlfriend during our walk down Billionaire’s Row, which is a street of mansions on Broadway home to some of the richest folk in town.

Through the Presidio - an old military fort - we went before crossing Golden Gate Bridge to Marin County and a trek in the mud and rain through Muir National Park. A great spot, very relaxing and the creek was flowing. It rained throughout, but again, it wasnt pissing down, just chunky dew drops as they made their way through the, i think they were, redwood trees.

Thanks Dylan, he dropped us off near Fishermans Wharf as we had an Alcatraz night tour to get to. We strolled down Pier 39 again and after purchasing a b-grade hot dog i spotted orlando magic player ryan anderson. i waited till i chowed down my burger before asking him for a photo. he was cool. i also knew the names of the fitness staff he was with and they just spun out completely. ryan then took our camera and took a photo of us with the fitness staff. it was a good laugh, and we then went our own ways.

Alcatraz. Home to Al Capone and some of the meanest bastards for 29 years before it shut in 1963. Perfect weather for it. Grey skies, it was chilly and the rain seemed to hold off as we made our way to the historic island. just before we arrived the sun came out which was nice but it was still chilly. The eerie sounds of the wildlife on the island - there are heaps of bird species - just added to the atmosphere of being on Alcatraz.

It was a great tour and the staff were very friendly and informative. After a brief intro, you are given headphones and u make ur way through the cellhouse on a 45-minute audio tour with comments from ex-cons and ex-officers on the island. You learn a lot about the history, the big riot, and the daring escape by the anglin brothers and morris. After that is finished, there are presentations by staff about certain convicts and the convict code.

By the time the tour ended it was freezing and we were just ready to head back into the relative warmth of the city.

We arrived and using the map dylan gave us, we tried out this indian place up the road. lets just say there was not a single drop of lamb and chicken korma left in our bowls after we were finished with it. we were so hungry. And both bowls cost a staggering $6.99 each!!!!!!!!!! mindboggling eh? afterwards we headed down bush street and had a few guinesses at a couple of quaint bars. we didnt last long as we were both stuffed/tuckered out from our big day out of touring. AV would have been proud of us!

Game day on Friday. It was our pigyaring day. pigyaring as in try and get photos with some orlando magic players. Not a skerrick of activity at four seasons or the ritz carlton, and after tony saw a bus randomly stopped somewhere, i investigated further and saw from a distance these guys hopping off one by one and in similar clothing. It was the Magic. We rushed over as Dwight Howard got out of the bus. They were staying at the St Regis.

A few autograph collectors - who we like to refer to as “pigyarists” were waiting around behind that magical piece of rope adjacent to the entrance. We wanted photos, not autographs and it was a bit hard to get the players to stop and posed while they signed 945 pieces of memorabilia for EACH pigyarist.

We saw Jameer Nelson twice and he said “after, after” but he played us extremely well. Like the girls back in Perth have a knack of doing. No offence but its f**ing true. As he boarded the bus later that arvo Jameer just went straight on.

It was hectic in the afternoon, more and more pigyarists/Ebay sellers started arriving at the hotel as the players boarded the bus to get to the arena. it was crazy to see them sign so many things for each person, when surely they’d know it would end up on ebay. i couldnt see any australian sports star sign this many and do it so calmly without piping up and asking questions about how much money they make off of their squiggle.

We had photos with a few players which was good. We pulled out the “were from australia” line which did us well. we got pics with jason richardson, gilbert arenas, quentin richardson, earl clark while to get a pic with dwight was near on impossible as he was flooded with so much shit to sign. oh well.

with the team gone we headed to oakland for the game with golden state. the place is a shithole lets be honest but its a nice arena.

what a game! We witnessed an overtime game and history being made. The game featured 36 three-pointers!!!! an NBA record for a game i found out on sportscenter later on. Orlando were up by 20 in the first half before Golden State - paced by superstar Monta Ellis - got it back to 14 at the main break.

Then barely minutes after half time. Whoosh. the lead disappeared and it was level. Game on. just like kaizer soze in the usual suspects, the magic lead vanished just like that and golden state were back in the game. the magic later got it back out to nine points but golden state came back again. Dorell Ellis was shooting the lights out from downtown for Golden State and it looked like the warriors would score a shock win.

To the magic’s credit, they kept with the red hot warriors and hit a few big threes of their own to stay in the game, courtesy of j rich and hedo turkoglu - both had big games last night!

We were down three with 8 seconds left in regulation and hedo from the top of the key hit the 3-pointer. Massive clutch shot. Golden State stuffed up on the next possession and it went to overtime.

The Warriors just could nt miss and Ellis finished with almost 40 points and 11 assists while Wright was simply unstoppable. Everything of his went in. I felt sorry for the journalists who had to cover this game cos there was just so damn much to write about. so many twists and turns.

Golden State prevailed 123-120 and i heard someone say it was the best home game of the season. Can’t complain with that i guess.

Aside from the result, one of the most pulsating games of basketball we’ve ever seen, to which we are very thankful for. We were so exhausted watching it that a nice juicy steak at a diner back in san fran was just what the doctor ordered.

A great end to our stint in San Fran. We will definitely be back.

Tonight we flight out to LA for our second trip to the city of lost angels, so after posting this were gonna do some last minute shopping before we catch our shuttle to the airport.

Farewell

Jsap and Tony xx

MID AIR CHAOS - Ft Lauderdale to Phoenix

Goodness me. Lets just say we’re both happy to be alive and enjoying the sights and sounds - and food - of San Francisco and the fact we can tell you this story.

What transpired on the flight between Fort Lauderdale and Phoenix on US Airways on Monday..in all honesty, it made Lockerbie look like amateur hour after the attack we were under for the bulk of the flight.

Where do we begin Tony??

Lets just say we had a few quality lookalikes on the flight, from former Defence Secretary to the US Donald Rumsfeld, Freo Italian Club president Fred Calginari, the guy who played Carl Williams in Underbelly, respected CNN anchor of “The Situation Room” Wolf Blitzer, Italian TV soccer analyst Italo Cucci and last but not least, WA legendary spinner Brad Hogg.

What an eclectic mix of people on our flight!

I’m shaking as i write this because we’re still both traumatised, luckily we’re seeing a shrink up the road here in San Fran to help us get through this.

It was seriously the flight from hell.

How bad???

Definitions of fart on the Web:

“a reflex that expels intestinal gas through the anus”

Confused? Don’t be.

For five long hours we had to endure some of the worst farting on the planet from some unknown bastard on our flight. The person will take it to the grave and forever hold his/her peace.

It began as soon as we sat down. Just literally when our asses touched the seat. We were near the toilet so Tony thought, ok, this is proibably a one off smell and it will be fine when the plane ventilation kicks in.

Boy were we wrong.

The woman next to us, who sported a Jennifer Grey hairstyle (you know jennifer grey, the chick from dirty dancing who swayze says, “Nobody puts my baby in the corner” or however the f**k it goes) wasnt impressed either and the scent wouldnt just go away.

So much for it being a one-off…ON THE HOUR EVERY HOUR or every 200 miles we crossed in the plane, another silent but deadly stink bomb would unleash itself on the economy cabin.

Who was committing these crimes against humanity??? seriously, ive never smelt anything like it. There was turbulence outside but we guarantee there was more turbulence in. Where were the masks that usually drop down, fresh air was needed.

Soon, people all around us began looking around, trying to do their own investigating into who was performing these malicious acts.

EVERYONE WAS A SUSPECT.

I prayed that Inspector Morse or Sipowicz from NYPD Blue was on the plane so they could put an end to this once and for all. They could conduct their investigations in the back of the plane, quizzing people about what they ate during the day, sampling the vile odour in test tubes and analysing its contents. (CUE LAW AND ORDER THEME SONG)

The dropping of the guts, the grunting, letting the fluffies of the chain kept coming at barnstorming pace and right on cue. the bastard who was doing this surely must have appreciated the plane crossing every 200miles or flying every 30 minutes…like some sort of sick ritual.

the odours would linger and linger, like that shitty cranberries song from back in the day, the question had to be asked. “DID HE/SHE HAVE TO…DID HE/SHE HAVE TO…LET IT LINGER????”

I felt like saying something to the flight attendant who sported a nightmare Annie hairstyle, without the ginger. But i didnt, instead i asked for pringles, to which i was told they only took CREDIT not cash….FOR A $3 PURCHASE

WHAT THE F****K??????

But, annie came through and gave it to me for free….scant consolation for the bombardment coming from another row.

SIDE FACT:

When your sitting near a toilet, notice the retardedness of some people when theyre trying to open the door to get in, like it says push, but with no door knob people automatically just freak out and they get that look on their face like they’re trying to touch one elbow with the other….theyre in a state of helplessness for like 15 seconds before they figure it out….i find it amusing

Yeah, luckily i didnt have minute-by-minute blog features on my phone so i could give running commentary of the flight. it was just relentless being in the thick of the battle, were we in an air force one movie or something??

My prime suspect would have been wolf Blitzer sitting across from me in the aisle, he was asleep and hunched over like he was dead, and like something literally died in his ass while he was asleep…but later discussions with fellow passengers may have ruled him out as the culprit.

man, it was like playing a real life game of cluedo, “who dun it”???, this was worse than a faux murder.

SIDE fACT:

Seatbelt signs are turned on, meaning DONT GET THE F**K out of your seats peopleS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why people wait until the seatbelt signs are turned on to use the bathroom beggars belief. I hate it when people ignore plane rules and etiquette…it shits me to tears, like this relentless farting was.

Tony quipped it could have been the hottie sitting in front, but i played it down, no way, hot girls dont fart, or shit for that matter, thats what 12 years of catholic education taught me.

i prayed to all the patron saints that this wasnt sydney to LA flight, while begging for mercy at the same time. i couldnt read my michael jordan magazine in peace and i promised to stop doing naughty things.

Another lookalike a couple of rows in front? ahh, its Henry Lawson, from $10 bill and banjo patterson fame. he had the moustache and all. welcome back lawso!!

The farting must have acted as a flux capacitor to help us bring lawson back to life perhaps???? ahh the hypotheses

by the end of the flight the serial grunting was making some of us delusional.

poor brad hogg sitting across from us, he hadnt experienced this since the australian Test tour of Sri Lanka when he was rooming with jason gillespie at the marriott in colombo. dizzy had to have the fish curry during lunch on the third day at the sinhalese sports club didnt he? Poor hoggy, it was a bad case of deja vu.

We touched down in phoenix and the post mortem between passengers began, fingers were waving and pointing jokingly. hoggy was adamant it was the bloke next to him, the guy who looked like italo cucci, while the people in front of us thought it must have been one of us guys cos we were laughing alot…

this five minutes of dialogue summed it all up succinctly: “Everyone was a suspect”

no one had a clue as to WHO DUNNIT, or in this case, WHO WAS DOIN IT NONSTOP FOR FIVE HOURS ON AN AIRPLANE?

bring in robert stack ladies and gentlemen, we now have an….

UNSOLVED MYSTERY

good day and good luck, and thank God that you’re alive. Enjoy life, you dont know when its gonna end. we thought it was gonna end near Flagstaff just outside Phoenix, Arizona.

JSap and Tony

Fort Lauderdale

Where: Fort Lauderdale
Time: Monday, 10.54am local time
Sponsored by: Winn Dixie Food Pharmacy

We eventually awake from our slumber on Saturday morning. The night before we had a quiet 50-year-old bloke from South India check into our room. I tell you what, there were an endless supply of characters at our hostel and in and around Miami Bach we give you the tip.

This Indian bloke was a quiet lad which was a nice change from the loud ass brothers (you know, Ricky Grace and Leon from Curb Your Enthusiasm) we had in our room previously. Quiet unassuming guy this was, he said he was travelling on business but Tony was right to point out that business must not be going well if he was staying in a six-bed dorm in a hostel that seemed more equipped for the tough streets of Cairo and Tripoli in Libya in recent months.

We’re waiting downstairs and the characters dont stop. We check out and this French bloke with a thick accent takes our key and gives us back the deposit. Nice bloke, but you could tell he would have hit the rock hard in the paris underground scene back in the day. eccentric and a mouth full of silver teeth. Then next to him theres this 80-year-old hispanic woman doiing whatever it was she was doing.

A perfect photo for the EXPLAIN THIS PICTURE website!!!!

Laughs aside, our cabbie to take us to fort lauderdale arrives. Tick that off the to do list, our cabbie shows up. We were relieved and hoping for a quick and pleasant journey to Fort Lauderdale. Boy were we in for a surprise.

Minutes after we get on the i-95 theres a ridiculous traffic jam that would put LA to shame. massive, no end in sight. of course, out of all the days there had to be a glitch in our plan. WERE WE EVER GONNA MAKE IT TO THIS F****ING PLACE??????

driver exits and takes a few side streets and eventually we end up back on the freeflowing i-95. phew.

then driver drops a bombshell saying he thought we told him to take us to fort lauderdale airport….no no no no no, we did not say that, so we give him the address of our hostel and it was just going from bad to worse, he didnt know where it was, even tho i saw a navigation system button on his in-car computer monitor!!!!!!!!! then he radioed it to HQ and they said it wasnt even in fort lauderdale…

the acid was building, but luckily we printed off the directions so i called on my average navigation skills and helped the driver along. with the way cabbies drive in south florida i did feel like one of those rally driver navigators who say “easy left….easy right”. 

aside from a few wrong turns here and there we made it damn it we made it…finally. we were in fort lauderdale.

tears were running down our cheeks…not really, but u get our drift, it was a relief to have finally made it.

a spot of lunch was in order as we arrived well before check in. we found this boston seafood place opposite WINN DIXIE supermarket. I felt sick as it had all this celtics, new england and bruins and red sox paraphernalia around the joint but i managed to avoid my “post-mansion in miami beach” exploits…only just

not a bad spot i have to say, and it was fitting that we had a waitress who looked exactly like carla from cheers….it felt like we were in beantown (boston) after all…sadly there were no norm, woody, sam, frasier and phil lookalikes…oh well life goes on.

FUN FACT:

when in america isnt it funny that when u go somewhere for a meal you actually interact with 18 different people in the restaurant during a SINGLE sitting. theres one person who takes u to ur seat, there’s another who takes ur drinks order, then there’s another who takes your food order….then in some places u get the bus boy who delivers your food and takes your plate away..

BTW, check out this funny ad. This one also.

After a bit of much-needed kip and with shit weather settling in. sadly for us it was raining in fort lauderdale the bulk of our first afternoon in town, we got a cab and headed for the main drag, las olas boulevard….shame there was too much grey in the sky and there was intermittent drizzle, there was some art festival on in the streets but they were closing up, the beach was a tad too far to get to but after consulting the visitors guide we found in the cab, we turned around and headed back into downtown and into a party area called Himmarshee.

it was kind of like wall street in orlando, there’s this row of bars and food joints, so we set up shop there for the rest of the night, going from bar to bar…a bit of bar hopping if u will….except the weather was really shit….shame, we were in this huge outdoor cocktail bar that resembled a lot like the leedy - without the bogans, whores and fights - but the drizzle wouldnt stop.

we went to a few more places after that but the rain dampened the parade/mood - PUN INTENDED!!!! - so we cabbed it home and slept straight away.

nice sleep in on sunday, before we walked to this row of shops at the end of our street….i had a pork sandwich….

..look it was alright but the marinade with pork left a lot to be desired, kinda felt like shit afterwards while tony was wise to get the caesar salad….the problem was i was chowing down on too many hamburgers/sandwiches in recent days like u wouldnt believe so i told trov to kick my ass if i wanted another heartstopper before we touch down in new york city

as a result of the pork sandwich, i felt a bit like roller pig, but the sad thing about this leg of the trip was we couldnt walk off our meals like we normally do. a good stroll does the trick and gets the ticker pumping once again…not on this occasion, we had to scurry back to our hotel cos once again the rains arrived.

we mostly spent the afternoon in our room watching the end of miami-chicago, followed by lakers-spurs…the rain was just too much to go walkabout.

by night it cleared, although the skies were still a champions league grey…we hopped in a cab to the hard rock hotel and casino in hollywood, which is about a $30 cab ride from fort lauderdale. nice layout with a sparkling lake in the middle, lots of shops and eateries and bars, and 2500 spaces for parking!!!!!! it was packed to the rafters with the entire hispanic community of south florida out in force cos none other than the great man JULIO IGLESIAS was working his vocal magic at the Hard Rock theatre.

three rounds of guiness at an irish pub - where else - while watching the knicks and atlanta do battle followed by a beast of a meal at the mexican place had us sorted for the next 16 hours at least! we sauntered thru the packed gaming floors to the front and taxied it to a pub near where we were staying so we could watch the closing minutes of the boston-milwaukee game.

crazy, watching four games of basketball in one day, absolutely unheard of back home.

just our luck, its very sunny today, the day we fly out to chilly san francisco…we’re gonna head to the airport in three hours from now…cant wait for san fran, we’re staying in a great location so we cant wait to get our walking boots and jumpers on - AND A DOWNTOWN MAP - and start exploring the city….its an awesome part of america and there is plenty to see and do.

no doubt we will try and squeeze in a tour of at&t park - the picturesque home of the MLB world series champs San Francisco Giants. hopefully the trophy will be on show when we’re there.

LOOKALIKES:

Alex, formerly of Fiorentina’s in Freo, in Miami - Trov agrees
Madon, Miami - Trov agrees
Martin Clunes, the guy played Gary in Men Behaving Badly, Miami - Trov agrees
Jon English, the actor, Hard Rock Casino - Trov accepts

Thats about it from Fort Lauderdale. As we leave you, check out this restaurant chain, more importantly, the dickhead who runs it. At his restaurant in fort lauderdale, this massive portrait of him adorns the front wall above the entrance. how self-indulgent can one get????? he looks more like a hard-core “im f***ing awesome” bikie back home than a restaurant entrepreneur doesnt he??? He wins the Winn Dixie Biggest Wanker Award, just ahead of the ballbreaker we met - twice unfortunately - at waxy’s in miami beach.

QUESTIONS FOR CHICHI:

1) How was Phuket?
2) How many tickets have been sold for the Comedy Show?
3) Is there a meeting scheduled for this week?
4) When did Vincenzo Montella become coach of Roma?
5) Tell us the full story about Amerigo Vespucci?
6) Are you upset UEFA have stripped Italy of one place in the Champions League?

We’re in Miami b*tch

Location: Our shitty accommodation in South Beach, Miami
Time: Around 5pm, Friday
Sponsored by: Radioshack, for all your rental needs

So on Tuesday as we waited for the time to pass before we boarded our train to Miami, we thought we’d check out a few apartment blocks in downtown Orlando, and much to our surprise, the monthly rates for a nice studio apartment in a decent-looking complex were pretty affordable…some food for thought for the both of us, as we really liked the place.

A lot of homeless people downtown I have to say, but I spose I can live with that, i think its due to the warm weather of O-Town.

Lake Eola right in the centre of town is splendid to walk around, and both Tony and I were getting hungry looking at the “fattened” bird life species, like the ducks, they looked so juicy and tender tony hoped the apartments would come with a big enough “forno” oven to cook them in…HA within three months of living in Orlando the whole lake life would be wiped out….they would look terrific on a plate surrounded by spuds and some gravy we mused.

The time had come to farewell central Florida and luckily we made it to the Amtrak station in the shit part of town just in time to check in our baggage, alas my luggage was too heavy so i had to take stuff out while tony’s was spot on….it was good timing because the tool behind the travelodge desk was taking his sweet ass time checking people in…wasnt very efficient and for a gay bloke had a bit of an attitude.

We’re on our way to Miami. Amtrak trains are surprisingly roomy and comfortable. We used the time to relax and have a few sleeps while listening to our music, trov no doubt would have appreciated the peace and quiet for a change, after having to put up with the constant shit being churned out of my mouth….it was a pleasant journey (trov agrees) and the five hours wasnt too painful.

we get into miami station at night and lets just say our time in south florida got off to an auspicious start.

firstly the train station is in a real shit part of town, and we had to wait a bit for a cab…but the night was only just beginning.

I admit, i made a schoolboy error, like will schofield turning the ball after kicking out of the goalsquare from a behind. i booked the wrong f***ing hostel. our driver, who surely had to be the shittest driver in the entire miami-dade county because of his weaving in between lanes and almost colliding with cars in adjacent lanes (yes it was an interesting $40 or so dollar ride from the station to our “hostel”)  dropped us off at this ugly building right on the edge of the main strip of south beach, washington street (most streets in this area are named after past presidents like lincoln and jefferson)

this couldnt be right i thought, while tony - not for the first time - was getting acid with my antics (stop shaking your head AV) … i mustve booked the wrong place…anyhoo we got out and checked in and f**k me, the room that we got….well, lets just say its like we were teleported like rayden from mortal kombat style from south beach to gaza city.

Youve seen the photo we posted, its like israel just bombed the shit out of the place the night before…we had two characters already in the room, and it looked like one of us would have to sleep under this big bullshit hole in the roof that was apparently dripping.

what the f***k, no way, how the hell could we stay here, tony and i - to our credit - stayed calm, cool and collected and breathed. we needed something to eat to ponder our next move, do we stay or check in to a hotel, we got a slice of pizza - our third straight meal which stretched back to orlando!!! - sat and ate, and just analysed the situation.

we’d try the hotel clinton up the road but they had vacancies for only two nights…no good, plus they were pricey, then we went back to our hostel and said, not along these lines btw cos im a polite catholic who was raised quite well, “look, this is f***ing bullshit that we have to sleep under a roof, what kind of stunts do u guys pull here, this is …kin ridiculous as kanye west would say”.

one of the alpha surfer males on reception that night - u know, the type of guys would get travveling girls drunk so they could get laid and ones that would have no qualms about giving kelly slater a blowie after a 10km run around j-bay - went up and pulled the sheets off this bed that belonged to a female who was meant to have moved by now…

this calmed our nerves a bit as we didnt have to sleep under a frickin hole. we headed downstairs, finally did some much-needed laundry and had a few quite bud lights, which were, ripleys believe it or not, our first beers in a couple of sober-free nights after our saturday night bender in orlando.

we went to bed, and the two brothers, who looked like leon from curb your enthusiasm and no joke, ricky grace, had two girls with them in their bunks…they were fully clothed, thankfully so cos the two girls they “picked up” were grenades - to put it in jersey shore terms.

this should be interesting, i have struggled to get to sleep up to that point, they kept the lights on and after a few hours of light sleeping, i sensed the lights were on and i could hear their bunks squeaking….”cmon i thought…no f**in way” ..i prayed to god, padre pio, santa barbara, sant antonio, santa lucia and every other patron saint i could think of to not look up and confirm my worst nightmare,..and worse still, i had to piss, and at that moment i wished i was 100 years old so i could be linked up to a catheter bag for my waste…i was between a big f**k off rock and a hard place I GIVE YOU THE TIP

seriously, it sounded like they were rooting, trov luckily for him was asleep the bastard….i had to endure this…a tough start to miami, i was expecting a frickin racoon to come through the hole in the roof and join in the festivities but it wasnt to be.

eventually the brutte come le schecce (ugly as donkey females) left the room and i could head to the restroom, i quipped to tony if he heard anything, not a sound, just me waking him up and i copped a serve….ahhh my luck

Eventually i slept, so we got up on wednesday morning and went for a saunter down the main drag, washington, and i badly had to evacuate…its amazing how days pan out unexpectedly…i desperately had to respond to nature’s call when we walked into this accommodating yet empty irish pub. “we’ll have a guinness” trov smartly pointed out…and can i say public restrooms in restuarants, sports arenas are best when places just open, or its early in the day, you KNow the feeling dont lie.

one guinness turned into six guinesses’s each, it was 2 FOR 1 the whole day….brilliant, welcome to the USA, an abundance of cheap food and booze!!! its every aussie’s dream, and its why young people should look across the pacific and travel rather than hit up london and do uncomfortable contiki tours and be around mostly dickhead australians in the meantime…trov agrees

of course we attract people who break balls, and this guy, originally from melbourne, was a royal pain in the ass…we were trying to watch the arsenal leyton orient fa cup replay game in peace followed by barcelona and valencia (daytime european football rocks) and this guy would not shut the f**k up, telling us whats hes doing here, what he wants do, organising party boats and asking us to find people in our hostel, which weve dubbed GAZA CITY, who want to rent out a room from him in his luxury pad “20 minutes outside south beach” … he gave me his business card and i discovered he was a seminar organiser, and seminar organiser typically spells out BALLBREAKER who steals peoples SODDI (money)

six guinnesses and a nice burger, we were well lubed up and it was time for some shut eye before our venture to miami beach’s hottest club, mansion - which for everyone playing at home, was on jersey shore season 2 in miami

one hour’s kip was the greatest thing, we got ready and waited to board our massive stretch hummer for the trip to the club (a nice touch we must add). before that, we had some spectacular pasta on ocean drive (at prices comparable to home) and after visiting the jersey shore season2 ice cream place, it was time to head off.

amazing club it was, the air was clean, perfect temperature, the way it looked, very classy, service was great and the music was off the chart, perfect array of hits.

tho i did feel like someone punched me across the face with a bag of spuds when after ordering two vodka lemonades the damage was $30 - at least it wasnt the $140 swiss francs i was charged for seven beers on that epic night in zurich with the lads back in 2008.

we had another round and trov and i stopped and thought - “what would mark and dave della rocca do in this situation?”

so i enquired about getting a table in front of the stage in a cordoned off section, i was told u would have to spend a minimum of $400 alcohol.

i could hear mark saying: “Boys, your in miami, you’re not there all the time, you may as well go big and have no regrets”….so we went along and got ourselves a table, grey goose bottle of vodka at $350, a couple of beers and some red bull and we were set..

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girls everywhere and fake snow would fall from the roof. and the music was great…we got free rose champagne which we happily passed onto the grateful pretty females around us…

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it was about 3.30 and a power spew for yours truly was on the cards while trov somehow stopped talking….it was 4am, we had polished off the bottle of vodka and we were both out of it, trov developed a skill for sign language and his ability to not speak was giving me the shits, so the club was mostly empty (it shut at 5am) when we literally stumbled out…a slice of pizza was consumed, from god knows where, and we crashed immediately in bed, in between another yak from yours truly

normally when i chunder i regret if it was worth it….but tonight, was it worth it?? as john hughes from skipper mitsubishi says, “ABSO-F***ING-LUTELY”, an epic night and no regrets about doing miami right and in style… we owned/ran the club that night/morning and i tell ya, i dont think the club could handle us with the form we were in…

(Cue: Rihanna/TI - “Live your Life”)

we probably would have spent that much if we went into clubs every night and just drank normally, so it was great to do it once and do it right as my old man would preach

it was 1.30pm, we then it sounded like another air raid from israel, all that was missing was the sirens, but there were no bombs, just the roadworkers using every single FREAKING piece of heavy machinery in their arsenal, jackhammers, drills, hammers, RIGHT OUTSIDE OUR WINDOW, god it was painful, kinda like when i was living at home and the old bloke would start up the lawnmower outside my window on a saturday morning

so much noise it was kin ridiculous, we and the two brothers (who despite their lack of hostel room decorum were really good guys) had a laugh and Leon from curb your enthusiasm told me he pissed himself laughing from hearing me tell trov about some kind of “bank proposition”.

Verrrrry verrry seedy like a man driving around schools in a white van, we were both feeling, shit what did we do yesterday, oh thats right, we hopped in a cab to downtown to get ready for perhaps the greatest basketball game we will ever see LIVE in our lives.

We got dropped off at American Airlines Arena, home to your miami heat, and with many hours before doors opening, we checked out the adjacent bayside complex which is right on the water - kinda like darling harbour - and they had shops and restaurants.

finally doors opened and we found our seats, its quite a nice arena, and i was clad in my jj redick shirt, we were sitting separately, trov played it safe and wore neutral clothing. i had second row seats behind the magic bench and while it was amazing to see the players namely lebron and d wade up close and almost get sweated on, it was annoying cos people are walking past u all the time to get to their seats and to get from one side to the other…still i was happy with my sizeable investment for these tickets.

what a game, lebron and d wade couldnt miss a shot and at half time we were getting raped like a new prisoner at casuarina…18 points i think it was, trov and i were starting the engines, but what was to follow was kin ridiculous and something we would never have dreamed of happening in a million years.

oh well, we saw two wins already and i began to chalk this up as a loss….we were down by 24 early in the third quarter, then magic happened.

We started hitting three after three while lebron and d wade just couldnt buy a basket, wade was even missing his free throws…

it was good to see plenty of magic fans in the house and we were all rapt when lebrons three point attempt in the last second fell short and we prevailed, somehow, 99-96 - a massive win for the ages and it was orlandos second biggest comeback in franchise history.

and we were there. Enough said

A celebratory meal at Hard Rock Cafe nearby at 11.30PM!!!! yes 11.30pm was on the cards and it was the perfect end to an amazing night. we finally witnessed lebron but we witnessed a mind-boggling comeback which was even better.

soemhow, and for the first time on this trip, i couldnt finish my burger….trov was disgusted, and it was more amazing to him that i couldnt finish my meal than orlando’s seemingly impossible come from behind win.

a cab home with another dodgy driver, and more shenanigans from our two brothers…

(it was amazing everytime we would step into our room at Gaza City there would be a surprise…EVERY TIME, be it a new roommate (James bOnd wannabe from canada, a danish bloke, a brazilian) or a new hole in the floor or roof, a cleaner, or no hot water in the shower)

We cant wait for our private rooms in our next accommodation in fort lauderdale and san francisco.

did i mention fort lauderdale??? goodness me, what a f***ing nightmare it has been to try and find public transport between two popular party towns in south florida, AND ITS SPRING BREAK, it beggars belief that there was nothing whatsoever in the form of transportation from miami beach to fort lauderdale on a saturday.

trov and i werre scratching our heads trying to solve our problem, dead end after dead end…nothing would budge, we had to clear our heads so we sauntered down washington and onto the lovely lincoln mall with its shops and eateries, the spanish street was pretty cool also, a walk along the beach and past the plush seaside hotels (one day) was refreshing too…we have to say, in miami theres a constant four goal breeze that would put leederville oval to shame.

we headed back to our favourite pub in miami beach, waxy o’connors, for some more guinness to ponder how on earth we would get from miami to a town 45 minutes away!!!! (The Amazing Race should dedicate an entire show that would challenge contestants to find their way to fort lauderdale from miami beach WITHOUT using a rental car)

A few people offered some advice, and believe it or not, ballbreaker was back and he was telling us that he was putting on a boat party in a few weeks, damn, we will be in new york at that time, oh well

We were up shit creek without a paddle and sinking fast…until we met a good cab driver, he told us he would take us to Fort lauderdale for $70…perfect, we agreed, problem SOLVER-ED, heres hoping he lives up his deal and meets us at 9am tomorrow near our hostel.

Our last night in miami, we’re probably gonna go back to waxys and watch the orlando-chicago match-up there and down a few beers, followed by a juicy steak from an argentine steakhouse nearby.

Good times.

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LOOKALIKES SO FAR THIS TRIP (the good and the bad): Sponsored by Bubba Gump Shrimp, for all your seafood needs.

Peter Rebelos (Disneyworld) - Trov agrees it was good
Shaun McManus (Downtown Orlando) - Trov agrees
Gary Downie (Outside Amway Center) - Joe agrees
Enio Gaudieri (the Puma Shop, South Beach) - Joe agrees
Laurie Keene and Roger Merrett (Amway Center) - Trov says they were absolute shockers.

More to come….

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What was that Trov?? Whats wrong with me asking every single person we meet from around the world, esp. from Europe, South America and Canada, what their favourite sporting team is?

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Thats it, hope you are all well, and we make no apologies for the length of our blogs, we know they are …kin ridiculously long but we want to capture every detail for personal reference in the future..

Right now theres a dickhead annoying loud yobbo Australian talking to his bogan mate on Skype…ahhh the home comforts….NOT

Love

Jsap and Tony xx